Reviving a blog that’s been dormant for the better part of three years isn’t the easiest of undertakings. Some would argue its as simple as starting to post again, but in truth, that’s a very simplistic way to look at things.
After the post announcing my return, the first thing I did was spend
too many hours updating the look and feel of the blog for no other reason than to symbolically represent a fresh start for myself; fresh theme, fresh ideas. Happy with the colors and layout, I finalised the changes and refreshed the page eager to see the new look in action. Scrolling down through the past I quickly realised the me of three years ago cared little for blog posts that were aesthetically consistant. Every post a different font type or spacing. Images that had long since been removed from wherever I found them left greyed boxes with captions lost in time. Apparently the theme isn’t the only thing needing updating.
Moving past the visual shock, I started to read through the posts of old. I was always immensely proud of my blog back in the day. It was a safehaven for my thoughts, a place where I could say things I wasn’t able to in the real world. Something I created that consisted totally of me, put out there for anyone to see and interact with. A domain under my control, full of carefully crafted thoughts and opinions on deep, often philosophical concepts balanced with well-reasoned arguements and peppered with a light over-tone of sarcasm and quick wit. Definitely something to be proud of at 22. It’s funny how the mind can see what it wants to see. Post after post, my pride turned to embarrassment.
Looking back now, the carefully crafted thoughts and opinions I’ve spent the last three years being so proud of just seem to be the addled ramblings of someone angry at the world and desperate for attention. Posts I once considered worthy of the front-page of WordPress itself are half-thought out diatribes devoid of any real message; their only real goal, to generate more hits so I could sit and refresh the stats page, patting myself on the back and dreaming ever bigger of the huge success I would no doubt soon have on my hands. How could something I was so proud of, be such a steaming pile of poop? The reason I had such a high level of pride in my “work” is because of the measure of success I was employing.
The 22 year old me is vastly different to the person I am today. I was self-involved, ego-centric to a fault and constantly craving the spotlight. At that time in my life, the only way I knew how to measure success was by the total number of views, or comments, or likes a post received and so the content in my blog became what I thought would generate more traffic, rather than what was on my mind. What I thought people wanted to hear, rather than what I wanted to say. Thankfully I’ve grown in my absense.
The primary reason I’ve started to blog again, is because internally there is a voice that wants to speak, and this is the best medium to release it. No more clickbaiting or writing for views. In the last three years if I’ve learned anything, it’s that happiness comes from doing something you want to do, not what people think you should. These old posts are nothing but echoes of someone I no longer am. I’m not going to delete them, somewhere inside of me I’m still too proud to wipe them completely away. Regardless of their content, or lack of it as the case may be, it’s still something I can look back on and say “I did that. I created something”. I’m going to make them all private instead. That way I can look back on the blog that used to be, and use it as fuel for the blog I want to become.
This post was somewhat inspired by WordPress’ Daily Prompt: Echo.